Maybe pouring this out might help.

I was thinking about marriage as a very sacred thing. Even before teenage, I remember vaguely in 1st std, my grandmother was telling one day of how important it is to respect the husband.

From the beginning of everything, even as a child, I’ve wanted it all. Kalavum katru mara. That’s what I kept telling myself when I hung out with drug addict kids, remained untainted by the company and the habits of these people. Doing Pranayam and mantra meditation in the bus and sketching some stuff that came in my dream. Only people always wanted me with them.

The point being, I needed a disciplined life. A direction. A path. There might or might not be a destiny.

The husband is also a path. A direction.

The first I saw my mom’s friend cheating her husband, she came begged me to keep the secret. But I wanted to understand why she cheated. And all the horrible stories that I have heard after I came to college.

All men are the same. That’s what the girls in college said. I told all human beings are the same instead.

The desire to be in monogamy was strong in me. Still is. No matter how many guys I date, sit and have coffee, and come back home. The desire to be with only one man, have a direction, clarity, in everything, in my sexual life most importantly. That’s why the chastity.

But…

As I travel and the guys keep slapping me hard with all the polygamy, I’m traumatized beyond words because my belief in monogamy is still strong.

When you believe in yourself. When you believe you are clear. When you believe you have what it takes, life tries to confuse you in all sorts.

What are the fucking rules of marriage? Should I still believe that monogamy exists in marriage?

Do men settle with stupid medium hot short women?

I seem to be completely disinterested in every man. Although, my sexuality is healthy, straight. I do become horny n all. But I really hate how things can be sexualised without being in love.

Love is sex. Sex is love. Are we clear about that as humans? I disagree with men who tell me that sex is a need just like hunger. What are you saying? Does that make sense.

Uncomplicated everything, and talking like a teenager, I still ask a man who is dear to text me a goodnight. That’s seems more convenient before getting married.

I still believe that love before marriage is a non physical non intimate, compassionate friendship. Can we please go back in time and behave in a disciplined way?

My next trauma was college because every fucking human was having sex. Every side I turned I saw sex. I never understood this, I was getting traumatized and my belief system was getting boggled up, and it was like I was gasping for breath until I came out of the brothel land, untouched and escaping the Major college sex plague.

Now, I get astrology divorce consultation, wife checking if the husband is having affair, husband checking if his friend and his wife are fucking or not. Incest, gay, bi, lesbian, and my whole head spins.

Narcissism, toxic relationship in the name of no strings attached, treating girls like a fuckbooth, (oh my god, oh my god oh my god) incessant party girls giving out numbers to strangers they just met, tinder, bumble, friends with benefits, short term relationship, live in, blowjob relationship, and what not.

And I’m not able to understand or keep up. I’m not able to understand the guys who meet me and talk explicitly about sex and ghost after meeting. Because they won’t get peanuts from me.

Drinking, smoking, CBD, whiteners, and alcohol bender for a month, or 2, and drugs. Oh my god. I’ve been completely stoic and minded my own business. But now, it all just comes back. I thought they ll just do it in college and get it over with.

Why are men so addicted to something or the other… a good man. My dream guy. He is supposed to be somewhere being a tee totaller, And concentrates on work and focussed on family, and has a direction, and is a great caring human being. What the fuck is wrong in choosing this life? What’s wrong with men?

Affairs after marriage, affairs. Affairs. Foriegn trip. Password in WhatsApp, password in everything, acting like a good husband, and having girlfriends, having kids with girlfriends while having wife. I’m not able to hear the stories. What is happening. Why is this happening. Why is this happening. Why!

I want it to stop.

I want to unsee everything.